Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly

answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp. **

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist. **

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. **
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men. **