Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself ~~"Lillian, you should  have remained a
virgin."
 -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."!
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her
sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
 -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as
close together as possible.
 -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.
 -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of
a misprint.
 -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
 -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
 -- Groucho  Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
 -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
-- Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and
fat.
-- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people   
would stop dying.
 -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you
a more pleasant  form of misery.
 -- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position.
  -- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
 -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in i t.
 -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
 -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow
older, it will avoid you.
 -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out.
 -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
 -- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it
out.