Puns Collection

Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with the words ‘Once upon a time’?” the little girl asked.   “No, “he replied.  “A whole lot of them begin with the words ‘If elected, I promise.’”

Overheard at the gas station:

“I expect they’ll be raising gas prices again.”

Apparently blonde:  “Won’t affect me.  I always put in $20 worth.”

Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can’t get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow – Jeff Valdez

Times fun when you’re having flies. – Kermit the Frog

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend – Zenna Schaffer

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places.  He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half. – Gracie Allen

It so simple to be wise.  Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. – Sam Levinson

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.  Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true. – Robert Wilinsky

Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. – Rodney Dangerfield

Football combines the two worst features of American life:  violence and committee meetings. – George Will