Steven Wright on Living

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright.....: 

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced

by exact duplicates." Plus-----

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect

it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13- When everything is coming your way, you're in the

wrong lane.

14- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

15- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

16- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no

lifeguard.

17- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film